December 2009
74 posts
2010
Where the fuck is my flying car? And pill food? And soulless conglomerates that control life?
It truly is
Friend: Shakespeare is like sex.
Me: The foreplay's the thing.
The best part about being the sober person during a slew of drunk texts is you can pretty much get the other person to admit anything. (You know who you are :p )
I was a playboy In love with the world I walked with the people Every stone left unhurled Every breeze took me higher Every door set me free Oh, I was a playboy And you just a plaything to me My laughter came easily And so did the days They flowered and faded And it felt like the way And it flew up behind me Like good times they followed me Oh, I was a playboy And you just a plaything to me Now...
For the 4th year in a row, I’m wearing my dress blues for NYE. Cliche? Yes. Attention getting? Oh yeah.
Chocolate covered deep fried chocolate covered...
Step 1: Make razzleberry pie. Step 2: Take a slice, cover it in chocolate. Step 3: Dip in batter. Step 4: Deep fry. Step 5: Pour chocolate, add fresh blackberries and ice cream Step 6: OH FUCKING YEAH!
The Cliks - Cry Me A River
The other day someone called me a pervert. You must not know me very well if you think I’m going to take that as an insult, officer.
New Jersey residents are annoyed with the overall idea of “Jersey Shore.” Americans are annoyed with the overall idea of New Jersey.
So what would happen if I hired two P.I.s to follow each other?
::Stubbing toe on table:: Me: Motherfucker! Dad: Yeah?
Driving through Chicago this past week has left me with one thought, over and over, I wish Google maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” option.
Cool thing about having all of your tattoos on fuckyeahtattoos: The nice comments people leave. Uncool thing about having all of your tattoos on fuckyeahtattoos: People saying they want to copy your stuff. Creepy thing about having all of your tattoos on fuckyeahtattoos: 16 year olds wanting you.
1 tag
Happy holidays!
Like the stereotype for a pregnant woman, I get cravings. Mad cravings. Tonight it was Creamsicles. So like any sane person, I battled this snow and freezing rain to get to the supermarket. The first problem came when I realized my car was one big icicle. The rain had frozen over it about 1/8” thick. Most people would say fuck it at this point, but thank Bea Arthur I have remote start and...
I hate it when people e-stalk me instead of just talking to me.
Boy attacked by 60 pound beaver →
60 pounds? Cheap. Even with the conversion rate, you still get what you pay for.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Gimme some salt
I'm a douche
And being one, I’m requesting my friends throw me a going away party, a themed going away party. The theme? Douchebags. Ed Hardy, affliction, tribal armbands, pop collars and Axe spray. All my guy friends will dress up like douchebags, Jersey types, and have the sweet nicknames (mine is DJ Auschwitz). Of course, every douche needs a stella, so my lady friends will be doing their part by...
Bigfoot →
My hairy leg was on fuckyeahtattoos. There is a tattoo too.
One Xmas, long ago, I asked Santa for a fire truck. I wrote him letters, so many letters. I sat in his lap, looked him in the eyes, and asked repeatedly. Sure enough, that morning, there was a fire truck. Useless by then though, because the fire had burned out. I should have asked for an ambulance too, my birthday wasn’t until late Spring.
I used to write poetry, real poetry. I never was very good at it though, but I am kinda proud that I’m the first person to ever rhyme the words “Xmas morn” with “granny porn.”
Tokyo Police Club - Nature of the Experiment
Coversations in uniform
Talking about how people dress, and the difference between men and women… PS2: This is my face…(puts hands by face) And these are my tits. (display boobs) Classy people I work with.
Blue October - Balance Beam From 2000’s...
Do not read
Horrible Brittany Murphy joke I thought of… I guess you could say… She was a heartbreaker.
Brittney Murphy is dead!?! →
isworeidneverliveinwisconsin:
Who next 2009, who next?!?!
Holy shit, that’s sad. :(
(What did Patrick Swayze and Ed McMahon get for xmas? Brittney Murphy. Too soon?)
My mom is awesome, and I’m lucky to be her son. Except, well, she has trouble breaking news to people: Coming home from riding my bike… Mom: I broke your Grandma’s glass figurines, the ones she kept here, but you can’t tell her. Me: What? Why? Mom: ‘Cause she just died.
Some people can be real assholes, some quite the opposite. Dicks.
New life goal: Become a stripper.
I hate being lazier than I am hungry.
Jesus Loves Oral →
Which is why he’s up in heaven.
Before you can leave to do volunteer work in a foreign country, you spend a lot of time making sure your medical records are up to date. Today, I was doing an optical thing: Lady: Do you have a record of an eye exam from the last two years? Me: Yes. ::I give it to her:: Lady: Umm, there is no year on here, it could be twenty years old. Me: It says my age at the time, and the month and day, even...
I think some people need desensitivity training.
New text templates
So I was thinking tonight, cell phones need new text templates to reflect most users. “In a meeting,” “Need directions,” pfft. These are what we need:
Can I add you?
Sorry about last night, I was drunk.
That never happens.
wanna hang out? bring booze.
I’m not actually on birth control.
I was faking it last night.
My boyfriend thinks I’ll be at work,...
Listening to a homeopathic “doctor” is like taking a duck and diluting it until nothing is left but the quack.
Sports
A guy I never heard of just won a prize I don’t care about.
12 years ago - “Yeah sure, here is my number, give me a call, we’ll hangout.” - Me, giving a fake phone number. 8 years ago - “Yeah sure, here is my number, give me a call, we’ll hangout.” - Me, giving a fake phone number. Now - “Oh damn, I don’t have my cell on me, umm, give me your number.” Everyone having cell phones makes it a lot harder to...
Tired because you didn’t get any sleep last night? There’s a nap for that.
rant
Why do so many people think they need someone else to feel complete? Fuckin’ A.